Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
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I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
never forget
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
🍛