Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
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cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
How actors in movies eat their food
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.