Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
For anyone who needs this today
