Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Hot Hot Hot
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Winnipeg!!
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
