Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
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People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
In space, no one can hear…
It do be feeling this way.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
A friend helps you before you need it
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.