them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
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*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.