them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
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Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care