Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.