Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!