Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.