Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
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No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?