Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

kitchen magnet

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.