Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
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“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.