Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.