Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.