Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”