Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Come back with a warrant
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
A family that plays together cheats.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.