Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
When you kidnap a writer.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too