Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*