Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

mood

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

Hear me out: WrestleVania

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

Make new friends? bro out of what?

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.