Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
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I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
How do you like your Corgi?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.