them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
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“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.