Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

I camp so other people don’t have to.

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.