them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
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Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
adam and eve had first world problems
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired