Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

called in thicc to work this morning

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Truth

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

just having fun

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.