them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
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Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all