them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
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“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.