@prufrockluvsong

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

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@poe927

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

@1evilidiot

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

@Havish_AF

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

@jbillinson

Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse
Biden: HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE

@LittleMissAngr1

My kid asked me if I would get her some dominoes and I ordered her pizza. She wanted the game tiles.

@markydoodoo

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

@BoogTweets

Me: I really think we should hide the body

Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works

@AmishPornStar1

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

@IamJackBoot

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.