Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Sounds like a bargain
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT