Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
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Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.