Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.