@LittleMissAngr1

Them: I’m so sorry!

Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.

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@trumpetcake

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

@Kobykincaid

One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.

@MyMomologue

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

@AnitaHelmet

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

@liv_thatsme

*babysitting*

Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?

@jonnysun

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

@zorgod

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

@Megatronic13

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag