Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

She might be a genius

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day