Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma