THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
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[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
We all have our pet causes.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.