THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
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I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.