them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.