them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Perfection.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this