them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.