Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
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ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.