Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
You Might Also Like
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
PARKOUR
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I’m sure it’s fine.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*