Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
You Might Also Like
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot