Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
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they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
So many pants.
So little yoga.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I hate my earbuds.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.