Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
