Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The big book of baby names but for safe words

Proctology is located in A55

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!