Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
You Might Also Like
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
A Short Story.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?