Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
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The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Don’t tell me what to do
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
