them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I can also cook 😂
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Breaking news:
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.