them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
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A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Anarchy
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later