them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
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Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.