them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
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I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.