Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
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Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.