Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time