Them: Just act casual
Me:
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Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My birthstone is kidney
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas