Them: Just act casual
Me:
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Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Cinematography is my passion
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.