Them: Just act casual
Me:
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Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
When you’re here for the treats.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.