Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.