Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
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Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
new shirt idea
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.