Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

*Inspirational Tweets*

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

Joker: wait, you take photos of yourself and sell them to the paper where you work, to your boss who hates you?
Spider-Man: yea.
Joker: lol
Spider-Man: lmao
Joker: LMAO