Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
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What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid