Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
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just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.