Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.