Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.