Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
You Might Also Like
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Grandpa
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.