Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
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People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?
Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful