Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
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google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.