THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
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It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
tag yourself
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
