Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop