Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
A French press is when you hug naked
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.