Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
When someone trying to leave me
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.