Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

you gotta be faster

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”