Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me

date: omg just tell me you’re not interested

cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

ㅤ

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀