Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

Family guy is so insane bc why were ppl dating that dog

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

i think we should see other cousins

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.