Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.