Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I just ran a .003048K
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Somewhere in an alternate universe
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Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA