Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
You Might Also Like
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
on da cob, we all corn
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.