Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

My neck, my back, my…

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.