Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

Had a spot of bother earlier.

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?