Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
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*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Old old old old old west
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco