Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
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ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around