Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
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Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?
– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila