Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
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Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode