Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
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*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.