Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
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Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Hello Twits.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
the world’s most popular steaming services
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!