Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

you know what ruined my childhood? children

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it